No TL;DR this time because this post is special to me. Plus, this is totally the simplified version! Hehe.
The irony that the first good news came right after I was at the brink of giving up. The night I couldn’t sleep. Coldplay’s ‘fix me’ was on replay, because I felt like it was the ultimate soundtrack for my life at that moment. As soon as I hear Chris Matin’s voice singing to the lyrics ‘when you try hard so hard, and you don’t succeed’ it hit me so hard, my heart was aching ( I'm pretty sure it wasn't any symptoms of CAD), the lyrics keep ringing in my ear. The night I got that email I posted from Dr. Adler, to persevere. That whole night my thoughts were adrift.
Finally, after three years (four - including the year I tried before graduating from my Master’s)!!! Finally, after all the effort, the rejections, the heartbreaks, the acceptance that I had to reject, the red tape situations, plenty of tears, the sweat, thousands of money spent, the work leaves I have to take to attend for interviews, multiple interviews, multiple exams, multiple palpitations, multiple false hopes, a kajillion applications filled, essays and essays and essays written, critisizm thrown to my face, appalling comments, ‘it’s okay, you’re young.. (insert I have it harder than you’) statements or ‘bersyukurlah, don’t be sad some people have it harder than you’ statements that made my efforts feel unworthy. It was truly a test of patience and perseverance. It was an emotional, psychological, spiritual ride.
I got rejected so much (I’m probably the queen of rejections) at one point, instead of crying I started laughing. Instead of feeling depressed and sad, I couldn’t even feel. I questioned my self worth, a billion times throughout the process. I smiled and smiled and smiled, till I started to break down out of no where. Feeling refreshed after that (I learned crying is actually a therapy, it feels so much better after that compared to when you’re just at the state of dismissal), I got back up and hustle again. The cycle goes on. During the battle, at times I am at my spiritual low. Dismissing my Du’a thinking I was a hypocrite for just praying hard just for my needs. I start questioning what was my sin, that I’m getting punished so badly. I failed to realize that was actually it, maybe I just needed to be more honest and sincere with my relationship with God. Allah is the most almighty, the most kind. Verily, Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.
Year 2014, I applied to 10 schools in the states and got rejected to all of them. Not taking my SV’s advise, I applied to higher tier schools with a GRE score that wasn’t even worth anything. I accepted my fault, and also took into account that I was definitely not fit at standardized computerized tests (due to certain reasons, I shall not reveal, as I don’t see it as a flaw), and decided to dodge US schools. Year 2015, post graduation I had to choose to continue staying in the States or go back home as I was offered to become a fellow in a university in Malaysia. The offer came with a sponsorship to continue my PhD. I decided to come back and took the offer in 2016. In 2016, I was accepted to University College London - UCL (2 labs agreed). I decided with one of the lab, and did whatever is needed to get my sponsorship. I was interviewed by the panel of ‘cuti belajar’ and they did not want to send me off because my supervisor was not a full professor. I remembered that was my very first heartbreak from my workplace. I was upset because I followed through all the requirements, got into one of the top 10 school in the world. But they did not accept it just for a petty reason. I took the KTM to return back, but out of all times, they had to have a 2 hour break down at that time. People might think I have just broken up. I cried so hard at the train station for a period of 2 hours (in the end my mum picked me up because the train didn’t come). Nonetheless, got back up and tried to fix the problem and had a green light after getting super senior co-supervisors on board. My hopes were high to continue in Sept 2016, however I was asked to wait. wait. wait. I had to defer my offer to 2017. You know the economic crisis? Yes, that affected me. We were just left hanging with no news. But to wait, wait and wait. I deferred my offer up to 4 times, and I was lucky enough my potential SV in UCL was willing to wait for me. Do you think I just kept waiting while knowing how the economic crisis was? Yea of course not. I applied for Yayasan Daya Diri and got interviewed, but failed. I applied to Yayasan Khazanah and got to the second last stage (Stage 4/5), but failed. I applied to multiple scholarships lah you name it Commonwealth (default rejection, kerja kerajaan kena more than 3 years), Astro, Sime Darby.. semualah yang tak sponsor biomedical sciences pun aku hantar form. Desperate. Memang desperate. You know what’s funny? It may sound simple but do you know the amount of hard work it is to even fill in one form of application? Bukan setakat fill in forms, nak kena buat a new research proposal, nak kena tulis a few essays, nak kena send to the places requires either money or effort (Grab and DHL get’s a lot of money from this). How much time I needed to spend, on top of work. It was tiring physically, mentally, spiritually. Tapi yang paling best, when people ask.. and then commented, maybe you haven’t tried hard enough. Maybe I didn’t, but it was just so frustrating to hear that when you’re down. I was also seen to not try hard at work, when the situation limits me to be.
In the meanwhile I even thought this probably wasn’t my calling. I thought, hey let's do something I'm equally passionate about.. teaching or volunteering. So, I applied to be a Teach For Malaysia fellow, and got in. However, my parents were truly against the idea. I was upset with them at that time, because I was at the point where I felt just so depressed because there was just no change in my life, no progress.. I was stagnant. However getting the offer might have been a calling. I decided to just continue fighting on this path instead, it felt like it was the best decision. End of last year I thought of just bringing it to the next level. I brought my CV everywhere with my name card to all the conferences or seminars I attended. I met all the speakers and recommended myself to them. Do you know how hard it is for me to self advertise myself? My inner introvert was dying everytime I had to do that. But it was all worth it, I made networking.. connections. But unfortunately, I also faced harsh reality. The person whom I have been looking up to, advised me not to go for my dreams. Even said, ‘I don’t know it would be hard for you to get in as a Malay, Muslim lady over here in Singapore’. I think you should just work with me as a research officer. Telling that to Amalia, is basically like the most mind-blowing thing ever! Not because I was told to become a research officer, but the fact that I should not even dream because I’m Malay, muslim and a woman?? Na’ah.. you just didn’t. Anyways, I turned down her offer and by the end of the year I had to turn down my acceptance to UCL since I could not defer any longer.
Come 2018, I was told last minute that KPT will finally open the application again for luar negara and had rushed to get things ready, including asking if my supervisor was willing to take me again. She did and I applied. However, luck was not on my side (again) and the application opened while my unconditional letter was still in process. They put my hopes up saying my name was on top of the list for me to go. However, because of red tape issues... I was not included on the list. I even had to take my IELTS again because dah expired punya lama aku tunggu. Kalau dapat government scholarship lagi, maybe kena pergi BTN balik and terlepas lagi chance, hahahaha. Tak cuba hantar kat minister KPT ke (ni zaman sebelum pilihanraya)? Itu juga sudah cuba ya. Fikir lagi kalau ada solusi lain.. Jangan cakap cari bapak ayam, tu je tak tergamak nak try HAHAHA, no thanks lah ya 😂
This year I applied for scholarships again. Same story. Many many rejections. Only this time Yayasan Khazanah rejected me earlier, at stage 3. I was thankful, thankful they rejected me earlier instead of later like last year. At least my hopes was not too high, although it was still painful. There are 2 sponsorships that I just took exams for (MARA and Monbugakakusho - which I got called for the exam and interview, but it's for 2019), so I decided to go on with this one. What’s funny was this.. this particular scholarship. I must say was a mere coincidence. I have contacted a few supervisors in Seoul prior to my trip late last year/early this year to make my trip worthwhile. One of the SV agreed to meet me on one of the days on my trip. He was from SNU. After meeting with him, he told me that he was interested to have me in his lab, however I will have to find my own scholarship, he could only provide a little. Since then, I scrolled through SNU’s scholarship opportunities and found out about KGSP. I didn’t know about the university track, and only knew about the embassy track. I applied last minute, seriously last minute memang YOLO, sebab I was focusing on other scholarships that will bring me to UCL, I didn’t even get the hard copy of Dr Adler’s recommendation letter requested. I even thought, eh ni mesti susah dapat ni, berapa orang je dapat offer and how many people bagi. Miraculously, I was called in and given a chance to go for an interview provided I give them a sealed letter by a certain date. I immediately asked for Dr A to send the papers through fed ex and tried to get the higher ups to help me write a recommendation letter (which I had to encounter another heartbreak). Fast forward, I got what is required. From the very short interview, and questions I did not expect to answer.. I thought I would fail, however, Alhamdulillah I was shortlisted to the 2nd stage (embassy level) and up to the 3rd round, I got accepted by my 1st and 3rd choice school. Rezeki di bulan Ramadhan. It was so hard to keep the news. I was about to explode, but I had to wait for the NIIED to confirm everything. I don't want another false hope. I don't want to face another round of 'I thought you were leaving for your PhD already'... raya season, better be careful with the news that might potentially be spread around HAHAHA!
I just got the news, that it is confirmed!
I just got the news, that it is confirmed!
Throwback picture: in front of SNU Yongon Biomedical Science campus beside SNUH, on the day I had no clue what was bound to happen. Plus, it was the day I noticed I am just too brightly dressed and colorful - under the brown coat was an orange jacket 😂
So, I have decided to choose Seoul National University for my PhD studies and I am happy and blessed to be selected as a Korean Government Scholarship Program Scholar. I cannot have done this without EVERYONE’S undying support for me. Those who have been with me all the way and those who I have met along the way. Thank you for your help, guidance, support, motivation and prayers ❤️ Only Allah can repay all of your kindness. I learned along the way that there are so many people out there who has been so kind to even worry or feel along with me. I appreciate all of your kind thoughts. You are all beautiful souls 😭
I learned so much from this experience itself. I think I wouldn’t have been so much thankful for this opportunity if it were to come so easily. However, I know, this is only the beginning! The real deal comes after this, once I start this journey. Now to a start of a new journey ahead! (I can’t believe I’m actually saying this. Those words are just too beautiful for me).
To those out there who are struggling just the way I am, DO NOT EVER GIVE UP! It’s okay to give yourself a rest (trust me you can give yourself plenty of rests after a long stressful battle), but don’t ever give up on your dreams. There is light in front of the tunnel, even if it turns out differently than you expected. I understand how it feels like it’s such a lonely battle, even if you have so many people around you who support you, because in the end, it’s you who is fighting your own battle. But always remember to believe in yourself, remember God and pray hard, and know that sometimes you can’t keep everything to yourself, even if sometimes it hurts more to tell somebody. I pray for the best for you.. fighting! 💪🏼
My offer letters till date (UCL punya offer banyak sangat defer, post satu je cukup). I can say to my children, dulu Mama dapat offer UCL untuk PhD, tapi tak ada rezeki. Rezeki untuk makan kimchi, bukan afternoon tea. Muhehehe.
Ps: This is a joke. Government lain jugak yang appreciate me in the end. HAHAHAHAHA
XX,
AA.
