What I wish I knew as a KGSP embassy track recipient when deciding on a university and what you have to know or be prepared mentally before joining in your program! 😊

 Annyeonghaseyo (안녕하세요), hi there!

Amalia here! I thought today I wanted to give a tip or an advise that I wish I knew before I decided to which university I wanted to join, and before I started my PhD program so I could be mentally prepared. I was one of the people blessed to have received the Korean Government Scholarship Program in 2018, chosen as a recipient through the embassy track for Malaysia. I was and am still very thankful for the experiences I have gotten while I was in Korea. It was an amazing experience, an eye-opener, something I will never have encountered if I did not step out of my comfort zone of a secured job. It is absolutely a different feeling being away from home alone in a country you do not speak the language (yes, very different than my years in the United States). But now that I am where I am, I see that it was a huge part of my growth! I am so different from the person I am 2 years ago, a person with so much more colors... not just white, red and blue, but green, orange, grey and black.

Korea is a beautiful country, I still crave for the beautiful landscapes as seasons pass, the parks and the well-made infrastructures, the very efficient public transport systems and how convenient it is to travel and the amazing coffee shops you would see every 500 meters. But let’s get real, when you go for studies, it’s not like going for holidays, and I think it is best to take note and be well prepared before starting the program!

As an embassy track applicant, we were asked to apply for three universities. I applied to Seoul National University SNU (서울대학교), Yonsei University (연세대학교) and Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology KAIST (한국과학기술원) and got offered into SNU and Yonsei. At that moment I already had a potential supervisor in SNU so I just immediately thought of accepting SNU’s offer. Don’t get me wrong, I did not regret my decision, because it made sense at that particular moment. However, I wished I knew that I should have considered these things properly before really deciding:

1.    Availability of a GOOD International Student Support

It is important, in a country where English is not the main language, to choose a university that has a strong international student support. Trust me, this is EVERYTHING. Especially when you’re not that fluent in Korean (even after passing your TOPIK 3 as required as a GKS scholar, handling or dealing with documents or very complicated situations, it’s hard to speak in a language you just learned). Find out by talking to alumni, or go through the GKS student facebook groups. Trust me, researching on websites is not enough. Personally, SNU has a very good international student support system, especially with SNU-SISA on campus, however… I was a college of medicine student and our campus is different from the main campus. Being away from the main campus was a struggle as a medical/biomedical science student, because there was no international support in our campus. Which comes to the second tip…

2.    Know what things are like in the field of study/your faculty in your university of choice

Find out not just in general how the university is, but also how it is like in your faculty. Knowing how the conditions are, whether the classes are conducted in English or Korean, the research environment, the university environment… will help you decide what is best for you as well as help you be more well prepared. I thought my classes were in English, as indicated in the website (and also my assumption that medical courses would be in English), however none of my courses are in English. They were fully in Korean. Which in the end, you will have to adapt to, which is fine… but knowing this ahead of time, also in the case where some universities might offer the subject in English, might be your deciding factor.

I must highlight the part where you would want to know your university environment per faculty, because for me being apart from the main campus was a bit lonely. There was no campus life, and if that is an important or essential choice for you, you might need to consider these in your decision. SNU hospital (서울대학교 병원) where 서울대학교 의과학과 is in Daehakro (대학로) though, you could meet potential actors there hahaha.

As a PhD student doing research I also wanted to advise this, as it was something I had in confusion when I was transitioning from language school to my PhD.

When do I start searching for a supervisor (SV)?

Especially if you are in the line of research where you work in the lab, and depend on grants, it is actually important to find a supervisor ahead of time (before you actually go in for your PhD). I do not know how it works for other universities, I heard from some of my friends that they get their supervisor (university chooses for you). But in SNU, you have to have a supervisor prior to your studies, or you would not be able to join your PhD program, and eventually you will be dropped-out. Hence tip number three is..

3.    Find a supervisor at the end of your language school before your transition to your postgraduate studies (note – applies to research students that work in the lab only).

In my case, what happened was I told you how I had a supervisor when I decided for university right? Well right before the transition, my supervisor apparently resigned, which left me SV-less. I had to email every single potential supervisor in the line of immunology because when I was asking for help from my department to assign me a SV, they told me no. I had to find my own SV before starting, or not… goodbye! I thankfully, Alhamdulillah after going mad, and having to change my line of study, got an SV after.

These are the things, or tips that I wish I knew before deciding or before actually starting my postgraduate studies. I hope these tips are beneficial for those currently deciding where to go, or are transition from their language school to postgraduate studies. I wish you all the best and hope that you get the best out of this experience! HAVE FUNNN!

TLDR version:

Mid 2020, an incident that made me grow

I have been keeping quiet about it, but decided to write it personally because what I have experienced these past 2 weeks might somewhat be helpful/beneficial to someone. I avoided posting it because it took me a while to feel okay telling my experience again and again on repeat. Whenever I actually talk about it, without realizing I started to get really anxious. My head starts to hurt even more, and somehow I couldn’t breathe properly. It was somewhat like PTSD, but I didn’t even realize I was having one, because I sincerely thought I was okay. I mean come on, it couldn’t be that bad, or stop being so weak keeps ringing on my head,

Well (almost) everyone who saw my story might have known one side of the coin about the ‘incident’ I had with the drunk man. but cut story short if you didn’t get to catch my story, my friend and I were harassed by a drunk middle aged man that was a stranger, in bright daylight, and we were in no shady area, we were in a quite family oriented neighborhood in front of a train station that was closeby an apartment (just in case someone starts saying, try to avoid walking alone at night or go to strange places, yada yada). I wanted to say this because, just wanted to reach out to people that things can happen even in the safest place and time, so just be careful and I pray none of you will have to face the same situation. Anyways, coming back to the story, the drunk man threw a plastic bag which I assume has either a bottle of beer or a beer can that was filled because I hear a ‘tung’ and it was really heavy and painful. Feeling shocked and scared, I was just left in the state of ‘mong’ (an expression commonly used in Korean, meaning emptiness… blank). Fast forward the details etc, because I think I have repeated myself a thousand times. what I wanted to tell was the process after.

Feeling so lost as foreigners who can’t speak the language well, I cannot tell you how frustrated my friend and I were. We hesitated to report to the police, especially since when we tried to explain the situation to the station guard, it felt like we were dismissed as though it was something that is ‘of no big deal’. To be honest, I actually started believing that it was just something light, and wanted to give up and let it be. However, my friend insisted because instead of me, she felt angrier that I was attacked on the head. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to give up, the process was tedious and having to struggle with the language and feel frustrated every time people could not understand what you were trying to say, was heartbreaking. But guys, please PLEASE if anything happens like this, please do not give up. DO NOT. It might have been hard but, it will be worth the fight, I will tell you why later. Anyways, so the process goes like this. If anything happens like this in Korea as a 왜국인 (foreigner):

1.     Tell your supervisor and lab manager (if you have one) that you would have to come late and tell your situation. Best thing, your supervisor will ask someone from the lab to help you (in my case the help came in a bit later).

2.     Go to the GP or any hospital and get yourself checked. Make sure you ask for a statement for the police AND this is what I forgot to do ask for an extra copy so that you can use the statement when you want to apply for insurance (cause girrrrl, you better be prepared the bills are CCCCeeeeRRRRaaaZZZyyyyy). You can say “초진 기록지에 일반적 푹행으로 인한 외ㅏㅇ 내용이 적혀있어야 보험금 지굽이 용이”.

3.     Once you have the statement, go to the police station WHERE THE SITUATION HAPPENED. Make sure to check its right police station because although the incident happened at Dongjak Station, it was not under the Jurisdiction of the Dongjak Police Headquarters. If you go to another station, most likely your report will take longer due to the transfer period, or your application will not be accepted. I actually first went to the Seoul Global Center’s police station because they could speak English, but that is actually just for legal sevices. However, when I went there they did advice, that I could get translator services at the police station. But we didn’t need to, when my friend and I went the police officer was kind to entertain us (we were definitely blessed to get a nice female inspector), and we could understand and communicate the basics enough to make a report. Being in the police station felt not intimidating/frustrating at all as a foreigner. In fact, they were telling me it was not a case to be taken lightly, and the investigation would have been faster if we went to the police station straight. However, in the middle of the investigation, my lab manager and lab senior called and told me that they were coming. So having them around later on made the process so much easier with the communication. Lesson 2 that I learned from here, even if we were not close, try to ask help. I tend to not like to burden people, especially from someone I am not close to, but Alhamdulillah they were willing to help.

4.     Don’t expect too much, which is true. Nothing happened till my professor asked for the contact number and contacted them after 2 weeks of no news. 바러 연락이 왔어 ㅎㅎ

Enough of the police story, going to the other story that I haven’t revealed. So after the GP visit and how she told me that my bump and nausea is normal, she told me if I start to get extreme headaches to inform and come again. At first I thought I was going to be okay, but the headache became worst and worst. I went to the GP again and I was referred to the Neurologist. Neurologist told me I will be fine in another 2 weeks and that the pain I am going hrough is normal, and I just had to brace it through and gave me medications. 1 week passed, no change and one day at midnight I got an attack when I started to become breathless, I was shaking and blue. The first attack I was lucky enough to be partially conscious to call my friend to come over. Ya Allah, at that time… I can only be thankful to Allah I have someone relatively close by. It made me realize a lot of things, including not wanting to grow old alone. It made me realize the importance of companionship in levels I can never express. The second time it happened when my friend was there. She rushed me to the hospital on the taxi and I cannot say, how bad it felt when it feels like you have no oxygen and was just shaking. I thought I was going to die, as morbid as the thought is I just prayed to Allah and istighfar and say my shahadah. It made me realize also, in that moment, I wish I would do so much more good, and it was sad at that time when I wish to pray, I had my period and can only recite my Do’as. When we arrived and the emergency room, I have to say I was a bit dismayed. They didn’t check my condition and left me at the normal emergency room while I was breathless. Emergency room was not an emergency room. Note the only comfort I had was the fact that my friend is a Neurosurgeon, so whatever that happens she could help do CPR or something. Even she was shocked and dismayed by how slow the ER was. They literally asked for my card for payment first and usually that happens for the guardian to settle while the patient gets checked but nope. I just waited there till all my transactions, checking of government insurance (that was not available), etc was cleared. Nonetheless, I could only think well if anything happens while waiting, they should have amazing Doctors to rescue me since it is SNU (note: best hospital in Korea). When the attending doctor saw me I was still shaking and blue, but the episode got better slowly, until the third short episode happened but I didn’t care because I was already there. They checked my CT Scan and all the emergency procedures, but funny nothing happened after and I got better and they couldn’t make any diagnosis because the CT Scan was normal as well. The attending MO neurologist just checked me again, and asked me to make an appointment for EEG and I left with a shock of how much the ER cost (more than a million KRW). Note, after starting the whole emergency procedure though, it was nice to see how the testing were advanced and thorough though. Plus, cute attending MO hi. HAHAHAHA (okay, that was just to make me feel better for the bill I just had to pay.

     So the next day, I asked for help from my labmate to call and make an appointment for the EEG, though I still do not know the results now because my appointment with the Neuro specialist is not till tomorrow, I got the shock of my lifetime for the second time. Because the test was super expensive. Moral of the story, let’s wish and hope one day us D2 visa holders (ie next year February 2021 – I called and checked if I could apply for the government insurance and they say we can apply starting next year, yay! Please do guys). Insurance is important and necessary. So anyways, also because I have a past eye surgery for my cataract and to fix the position of my eye due to my congenital Morning Glory Syndrome, I had to take extra precaution (also deduce) whether the pain from the pressure from the back of my eye may be due to the incident. The thing is where I am getting to is that, because of all this……. The fact that I thought it was nothing, and was almost going to give up reporting, made me so thankful that I reported because as time goes by I became angrier and angrier, and believe that this person SHOULD be found, caught and pay my bills.

     But whatever it is to be honest, more than that I am thankful. Thankful because this incident made me learn a lot of things. Plenty. To be honest. The experience itself made me learn a lot about the process, and also made me thankful for so many people beside me, and also made me realize again that our time here is short. Banyakkanlah istighfar, bertaubat, show your love and gratitude and always always be thankful. I just have to repeat this again and again I cannot highlight how thankful I am. I love all of you that I hold dear to me lillahita’ala.

2019, you have been plentiful

It's a common thing for me to actually spend time to reflect on my year and plan what I have to do, or how I can improve the following year, and I usually do that with my best friend. We would take the time off to actually just focus on this. However to be honest, this year I do not have the time to do so. The time to sit down and relax and think about what's best for me, to reflect. Life has been either hectic or too tiring to think about the future and the past, I was just living in the present. Just trying to get things done. So I decided this year to write instead, this way whenever I have time I can track back my thoughts and delve into it bit by bit.

I thought about sharing, maybe somehow it will be beneficial for someone. Maybe it will be beneficial for myself, as a mode of making things concrete, or maybe you could also let me know how you feel about this! Comments, and motivations are most welcome.

Things to think about right now:

Wrapping up 2019, think about what you have done. 

1) What have you achieved (list 5)/ What are the things that you have learned to appreciate about/lessons that you have learned in this year.

2) what have you wished you could improve on; Your current problem/issue, What is your action plan for it. How do you want to tackle all this, improving the situation.

3) going forward to 2020 what are the things you want to work on or achieve.

1) What have you achieved (list 5)/ What are the things that you have learned to appreciate about/lessons that you have learned in this year.

1. I got TOPIK4 despite thinking that I might not be able to do well for my Korean test. Language has always been something that was hard for me to learn (back in school I would think maths was an easier subject compared to language, or maybe I never had joy in learning languages). Although it was not my forte I studied hard for it and was able to overcome the barrier. Although it was a slow process, I did it in my own pace.
2. 2019 I learned how important it is to self-love. It is important to take care of myself first, my mental health, my feelings, my physical health, etc before you care for others. I learned to make myself priority. Not being selfish, but learned to love myself more… and know when the limit of being nice goes to. As negative as it may sound, sometimes people appreciate you more when they see your boundaries. You also don’t get being pushed around too much.
3. I actually got to settle adult things alone, in a different language as well! It was complicated but I was able to do it. I actually dealt with Korean speaking realtors with no help, went to do bank and settled all the contract alone, and the fact that I found a really decent home… is something I am always thankful and happy with. Alhamdulillah.
4. Despite having a problem with a supervisor that ran away, and had a hard time trying to find a new lab (because if you don’t they will cancel your scholarship), had zero help from the university side, went mad trying to find a new one and make a different proposal, things worked out (though after that it is a different story).
5. Starting my PhD, even if it was a really tough, tough semester. Everything seemed like going down the hole. Not being able to understand things in class at all. Not being able to adjust to the lab at all. My grades were still good, Alhamdulillah with my parents do’a. I don’t think it would have worked, but still. It’s something I should be grateful (and deserve a pat on the back for).
6. In another aspect of life, I was courageous and brave to take a step this year. I went out of the boundaries or the ‘comfort zone’ and met new people from different cultures and religion. Learned a lot, also got to know where my limits are, and that I was strong to protect my values. Also got to learn that I was also cantik dan menarik dalam mata kaum yang lain. In that sense I felt more confident of myself and my strength as a muslim woman.

Click here for some fun adventures I had from my language program!

2) what have you wished you could improve on; Your current problem/issue, What is your action plan for it. How do you want to tackle all this, improving the situation.

I think I had a really hard time trying to adjust myself to the environment. I was not sure what was okay and what was not okay, and in the end I became too reserved instead. Becoming too reserved is a problem. I was told not to ask questions, to go through several layers of hierarchy. Because of that I was not sure whether or not I am able to freely do what I want to do. I felt restricted. Mostly because I was told or felt to be so. However, when I restricted myself, people told me I was being lazy instead of being proactive. It got confusing.

I started to become a very negative person instead. The person I used to be somehow was no longer there. I can’t help but just be quiet, I didn’t know how to communicate, my brightness shunned and I am no longer the positive bubbly person I thought I used to be. Everyday seems tiring and I couldn’t explain how everyday seems to be like a torture. I used to take things in a positive aspect, but everything these days seems like a twist. I didn’t recognize anymore who I have become and hate the person I am today. For being this way. For having such negative energy.

What made me much madder is the fact that when I actually started talking to people personally, I started to think that maybe this is all in my head. Maybe this is my perception of things, of what I am getting or what I am feeling. However, it is not exactly what it is, and how I react to how they react makes it harder for both parties to know or to be closer to.

How am I going to fix this? I have to think longer, and further, whether I want to stay and fight this war or whether I want to end this war and begin another war. 2020 will be the year of fixing what is broken.

If I want to stay, I definitely have to go out of being ‘reserved’ and start being myself. Push forward. Talk to prof, whenever you have a question or idea. Do not listen to people saying things like ‘this is proper for our culture’ and push your differences forward, instead of trying to assimilate. Learn the language more, focus on what is important. Do what you want to do.

If I want to leave, start searching for what you want to do, what you have to do. It takes a long time for me to actually quit, so I have to be mentally prepared for the battle and challenges that I will have to face ahead. Somewhat,somehow, it is not an exit route but a de-tour that might be as challenging or more challenging than it is, whatever it is it better be worth it.

3) Going forward to 2020 what are the things you want to work on or achieve.

Things are still not clear to me right now, but what I do want to achieve is inner peace. Making peace with my decisions, what I am doing, even if life is challenging. I want to focus on fixing that mental instability that I currently am dealing with and strengthen my spirituality level. I want to find my path again. (INCLUDING THE PATH TO LOSE WEIGHT I HAVE STRESS EAT SO MUCH I GAINED 4-5KG!!! I used to be 47-48kg ㅜㅜ)

2019, thank you. You have thought me how I have beautiful hearts and soul behind me.
I was also blessed to meet this cutey patootey on the day earth was blessed to invite him <3

2020, may seem like a giant hurdle, but I pray that this hurdle will bring me to a better place.

Thank you family and friends for the support and love. I pray that God blesses all of you.

Have a beautiful year ahead <3

Perseverance is an enormous ordeal

No TL;DR this time because this post is special to me. Plus, this is totally the simplified version! Hehe. 

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah!

The irony that the first good news came right after I was at the brink of giving up. The night I couldn’t sleep. Coldplay’s ‘fix me’ was on replay, because I felt like it was the ultimate soundtrack for my life at that moment. As soon as I hear Chris Matin’s voice singing to the lyrics ‘when you try hard so hard, and you don’t succeed’ it hit me so hard, my heart was aching ( I'm pretty sure it wasn't any symptoms of CAD), the lyrics keep ringing in my ear. The night I got that email I posted from Dr. Adler, to persevere. That whole night my thoughts were adrift.

Finally, after three years (four - including the year I tried before graduating from my Master’s)!!! Finally, after all the effort, the rejections, the heartbreaks, the acceptance that I had to reject, the red tape situations, plenty of tears, the sweat, thousands of money spent, the work leaves I have to take to attend for interviews, multiple interviews, multiple exams, multiple palpitations, multiple false hopes, a kajillion applications filled, essays and essays and essays written, critisizm thrown to my face, appalling comments, ‘it’s okay, you’re young.. (insert I have it harder than you’) statements or ‘bersyukurlah, don’t be sad some people have it harder than you’ statements that made my efforts feel unworthy. It was truly a test of patience and perseverance. It was an emotional, psychological, spiritual ride. 

I got rejected so much (I’m probably the queen of rejections) at one point, instead of crying I started laughing. Instead of feeling depressed and sad, I couldn’t even feel. I questioned my self worth, a billion times throughout the process. I smiled and smiled and smiled, till I started to break down out of no where. Feeling refreshed after that (I learned crying is actually a therapy, it feels so much better after that compared to when you’re just at the state of dismissal), I got back up and hustle again. The cycle goes on. During the battle, at times I am at my spiritual low. Dismissing my Du’a thinking I was a hypocrite for just praying hard just for my needs. I start questioning what was my sin, that I’m getting punished so badly. I failed to realize that was actually it, maybe I just needed to be more honest and sincere with my relationship with God. Allah is the most almighty, the most kind. Verily, Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear. 

Year 2014, I applied to 10 schools in the states and got rejected to all of them. Not taking my SV’s advise, I applied to higher tier schools with a GRE score that wasn’t even worth anything. I accepted my fault, and also took into account that I was definitely not fit at standardized computerized tests (due to certain reasons, I shall not reveal, as I don’t see it as a flaw), and decided to dodge US schools. Year 2015, post graduation I had to choose to continue staying in the States or go back home as I was offered to become a fellow in a university in Malaysia. The offer came with a sponsorship to continue my PhD. I decided to come back and took the offer in 2016. In 2016, I was accepted to University College London - UCL (2 labs agreed). I decided with one of the lab, and did whatever is needed to get my sponsorship. I was interviewed by the panel of ‘cuti belajar’ and they did not want to send me off because my supervisor was not a full professor. I remembered that was my very first heartbreak from my workplace. I was upset because I followed through all the requirements, got into one of the top 10 school in the world. But they did not accept it just for a petty reason. I took the KTM to return back, but out of all times, they had to have a 2 hour break down at that time. People might think I have just broken up. I cried so hard at the train station for a period of 2 hours (in the end my mum picked me up because the train didn’t come). Nonetheless, got back up and tried to fix the problem and had a green light after getting super senior co-supervisors on board. My hopes were high to continue in Sept 2016, however I was asked to wait. wait. wait. I had to defer my offer to 2017. You know the economic crisis? Yes, that affected me. We were just left hanging with no news. But to wait, wait and wait. I deferred my offer up to 4 times, and I was lucky enough my potential SV in UCL was willing to wait for me. Do you think I just kept waiting while knowing how the economic crisis was? Yea of course not. I applied for Yayasan Daya Diri and got interviewed, but failed. I applied to Yayasan Khazanah and got to the second last stage (Stage 4/5), but failed. I applied to multiple scholarships lah you name it Commonwealth (default rejection, kerja kerajaan kena more than 3 years), Astro, Sime Darby.. semualah yang tak sponsor biomedical sciences pun aku hantar form. Desperate. Memang desperate. You know what’s funny? It may sound simple but do you know the amount of hard work it is to even fill in one form of application? Bukan setakat fill in forms, nak kena buat a new research proposal, nak kena tulis a few essays, nak kena send to the places requires either money or effort (Grab and DHL get’s a lot of money from this). How much time I needed to spend, on top of work. It was tiring physically, mentally, spiritually. Tapi yang paling best, when people ask.. and then commented, maybe you haven’t tried hard enough. Maybe I didn’t, but it was just so frustrating to hear that when you’re down. I was also seen to not try hard at work, when the situation limits me to be. 

In the meanwhile I even thought this probably wasn’t my calling. I thought, hey let's do something I'm equally passionate about.. teaching or volunteering. So,  I applied to be a Teach For Malaysia fellow, and got in. However, my parents were truly against the idea. I was upset with them at that time, because I was at the point where I felt just so depressed because there was just no change in my life, no progress.. I was stagnant. However getting the offer might have been a calling. I decided to just continue fighting on this path instead, it felt like it was the best decision. End of last year I thought of just bringing it to the next level. I brought my CV everywhere with my name card to all the conferences or seminars I attended. I met all the speakers and recommended myself to them. Do you know how hard it is for me to self advertise myself? My inner introvert was dying everytime I had to do that. But it was all worth it, I made networking.. connections. But unfortunately, I also faced harsh reality. The person whom I have been looking up to, advised me not to go for my dreams. Even said, ‘I don’t know it would be hard for you to get in as a Malay, Muslim lady over here in Singapore’. I think you should just work with me as a research officer. Telling that to Amalia, is basically like the most mind-blowing thing ever! Not because I was told to become a research officer, but the fact that I should not even dream because I’m Malay, muslim and a woman?? Na’ah.. you just didn’t. Anyways, I turned down her offer and by the end of the year I had to turn down my acceptance to UCL since I could not defer any longer. 

Come 2018, I was told last minute that KPT will finally open the application again for luar negara and had rushed to get things ready, including asking if my supervisor was willing to take me again. She did and I applied. However, luck was not on my side (again) and the application opened while my unconditional letter was still in process. They put my hopes up saying my name was on top of the list for me to go. However, because of red tape issues... I was not included on the list. I even had to take my IELTS again because dah expired punya lama aku tunggu. Kalau dapat government scholarship lagi, maybe kena pergi BTN balik and terlepas lagi chance, hahahaha. Tak cuba hantar kat minister KPT ke (ni zaman sebelum pilihanraya)? Itu juga sudah cuba ya. Fikir lagi kalau ada solusi lain.. Jangan cakap cari bapak ayam, tu je tak tergamak nak try HAHAHA, no thanks lah ya 😂 

This year I applied for scholarships again. Same story. Many many rejections. Only this time Yayasan Khazanah rejected me earlier, at stage 3. I was thankful, thankful they rejected me earlier instead of later like last year. At least my hopes was not too high, although it was still painful. There are 2 sponsorships that I just took exams for (MARA and Monbugakakusho - which I got called for the exam and interview, but it's for 2019), so I decided to go on with this one. What’s funny was this.. this particular scholarship. I must say was a mere coincidence. I have contacted a few supervisors in Seoul prior to my trip late last year/early this year to make my trip worthwhile. One of the SV agreed to meet me on one of the days on my trip. He was from SNU. After meeting with him, he told me that he was interested to have me in his lab, however I will have to find my own scholarship, he could only provide a little. Since then, I scrolled through SNU’s scholarship opportunities and found out about KGSP. I didn’t know about the university track, and only knew about the embassy track. I applied last minute, seriously last minute memang YOLO, sebab I was focusing on other scholarships that will bring me to UCL, I didn’t even get the hard copy of Dr Adler’s recommendation letter requested. I even thought, eh ni mesti susah dapat ni, berapa orang je dapat offer and how many people bagi. Miraculously, I was called in and given a chance to go for an interview provided I give them a sealed letter by a certain date. I immediately asked for Dr A to send the papers through fed ex and tried to get the higher ups to help me write a recommendation letter (which I had to encounter another heartbreak). Fast forward, I got what is required. From the very short interview, and questions I did not expect to answer.. I thought I would fail, however, Alhamdulillah I was shortlisted to the 2nd stage (embassy level) and up to the 3rd round, I got accepted by my 1st and 3rd choice school. Rezeki di bulan Ramadhan. It was so hard to keep the news. I was about to explode, but I had to wait for the NIIED to confirm everything. I don't want another false hope. I don't want to face another round of 'I thought you were leaving for your PhD already'... raya season, better be careful with the news that might potentially be spread around HAHAHA!

I just got the news, that it is confirmed!

Throwback picture: in front of SNU Yongon Biomedical Science campus beside SNUH, on the day I had no clue what was bound to happen. Plus, it was the day I noticed I am just too brightly dressed and colorful - under the brown coat was an orange jacket 😂

So, I have decided to choose Seoul National University for my PhD studies and I am happy and blessed to be selected as a Korean Government Scholarship Program Scholar. I cannot have done this without EVERYONE’S undying support for me. Those who have been with me all the way and those who I have met along the way. Thank you for your help, guidance, support, motivation and prayers ❤️ Only Allah can repay all of your kindness. I learned along the way that there are so many people out there who has been so kind to even worry or feel along with me. I appreciate all of your kind thoughts. You are all beautiful souls 😭

I learned so much from this experience itself. I think I wouldn’t have been so much thankful for this opportunity if it were to come so easily. However, I know, this is only the beginning! The real deal comes after this, once I start this journey. Now to a start of a new journey ahead! (I can’t believe I’m actually saying this. Those words are just too beautiful for me). 

To those out there who are struggling just the way I am, DO NOT EVER GIVE UP! It’s okay to give yourself a rest (trust me you can give yourself plenty of rests after a long stressful battle), but don’t ever give up on your dreams. There is light in front of the tunnel, even if it turns out differently than you expected. I understand how it feels like it’s such a lonely battle, even if you have so many people around you who support you, because in the end, it’s you who is fighting your own battle. But always remember to believe in yourself, remember God and pray hard, and know that sometimes you can’t keep everything to yourself, even if sometimes it hurts more to tell somebody. I pray for the best for you.. fighting! 💪🏼

My offer letters till date (UCL punya offer banyak sangat defer, post satu je cukup). I can say to my children, dulu Mama dapat offer UCL untuk PhD, tapi tak ada rezeki. Rezeki untuk makan kimchi, bukan afternoon tea. Muhehehe. 

On another side note, Alhamdulillah, I was also informed I got the SNU University Scholarship on the day of Eid, however I decided to stick to KGSP, since it is fully covered. 

Ps: This is a joke. Government lain jugak yang appreciate me in the end. HAHAHAHAHA

XX,

AA.

2017, look what you made me do.

I know that there are still a couple of days till the end of the year, but it is still the end of the year, so I thought maybe it’s totally fine to start writing on my reflection of the year. The funny thing about this year is that I realized how completely opposite I felt at the end of last year compared to this year.

My close friends can attest to the fact that as much as I may look chill most of the time (ye ke?), I am a very anxious person. I get anxiety even after taking a long week of break from work (or taking the airplane HAHAHA). The night before, I would keep on worrying about what had happened or how will I be able to get through the day, the week, etc. which to calm myself down, I will start to make a ‘to-do list’ in the morning and try to get things done one thing at a time. So at the end of last year, I was sitting with Fatimah, telling her how anxious I felt about the upcoming year. I talked about what I wanted to do, what I wanted to achieve.. and reflected upon the past year, feeling rather unaccomplished.. but still positive at the same time, since I tried my very best… only circumstances was not on my side.

This year, I felt like a completely different person though. Anxiety? What is anxiety? To be honest, I really don’t even feel like anything. This sentiment scares me because I feel, indifferent. I don’t even feel like there is a need to reflect on my year, what more thinking of resolutions for the next? I am scared because I am feeling this way. I am scared because I know I can’t give up, but I feel like I am just so done. So done, that whenever there is another rejection, another form of failure, what may break me down and burst into tears, no longer affected me. It just feels like any other day, and what scares me is that, because of my ‘feelingless’ feeling (if that even makes sense), as much as I know I can’t give up and I must press on, I do not have the motivation to fight. 

Now, the reason I don’t want to confide to people about this feeling of mine or to tell how I feel, is because I purely know that I should not give up... and the last thing I would like to hear from someone is that ‘maybe you have not done enough’, ‘you should try harder’, ‘don’t give up, you can do this’. No. Just no.

So today, I brought myself to reflect on what I have learned this year, so I could at least put sense back to myself, not trying to run away from reality and so that I could stay sane.. and positive. I am sharing this, not for self pity or whatever, no. I’m just sharing this in case that there are people like me, feeling the same way, and would be able to relate with how I feel, and maybe will help with how they might feel.

What have I learned in the year 2017?

1. Trust in what you believe you can do, don’t let anyone bring you down for not really knowing or believing in your potential, even if it is someone you aspire to become. This year, I was so happy to meet someone that was my aspiration, that has inspired me and instilled that motivation again to me. However, that particular person said things that made me lose hope, question my abilities, and made me feel so upset not because of the ‘rejection’ he/she gave, but when you expect motivation from someone you look up to, but get something otherwise, you question yourself why did you even aspire to be someone like that?
2. Even if your current circumstances is not letting you do what you want to do. Or not letting you achieve what you should be able to achieve. Don’t forget to trust and continuously believe in yourself. Yes, you can’t be too overconfident, thinking that you are special and unique. But, don’t let such circumstances bring you down, and continuously find a way to recharge and regain your beliefs.. so that given the opportunity, you will be able to prove yourself.. and when you get the opportunity, do the best.
3. When I was 22, I used to dream. Dream so hard, so lavishly, thinking of all the things that I have planned, will come my way, despite going through hardship and challenges. This year, I learned, things may not go your way, however hard you tried, but take it all as learning experience. There’s always a reason for something to happen, so even if your plans don’t work out.. even if it is not for the better, there must be a reason behind why we have to go through such hardships. Maybe to meet certain people, maybe to make you grow, maybe to instill some motivation in you. I think this year, going to the Khazanah interview for my scholarship was a blessing despite failing. Meeting with inspiring young people and becoming friends with them made me remember the environment I was in, in the States. 
4. Try to find someone you can talk and relate to, about work, about life, with no judgements. If you tend to just bottle up your excitement towards a certain scientific research for example, or your frustration towards life, you will just end up being a grumpy sourpuss that has no motivation (i.e. me). Also, finding someone you can talk to in your line of work, might be a good way to boost your knowledge (which I think I am lacking, find me someone to talk to please).
5. Sometimes you may want to do something else because you feel like you are in a standstill, however when you want to move away from your comfort zone, there is also a huge responsibility that you have to weigh in to make a decision. Some might say, be reckless, you’re still young. But at 24, I have so much to consider before making the move. Don’t be reckless, think it through on what matters the most to you. You have to remember, that life is not just about chasing success in your career.
6. I have been scammed this year, as embarrassing as it may be to tell you. I am absolutely embarrassed to admit so, but I am telling you that even a skeptical person like me, that never thought could be a victim of being scammed, can be. It can happen to anyone. So be careful. Sometimes you can be skeptical about the situation or the offer, thinking that it is too good to be true, but with the surrounding circumstances you are brought to believe in doing so. So don't ever judge a person for being too vulnerable to be scammed, scammers these days are too good, just be careful. I didn't lose that much, but then again.. for someone who just started working and barely has money, even rm10 is precious. Well really, at one point, even the coins in my pouch means a lot to me, because I get to buy one cup of Nescafe Tarik with it.

I think there are several more, but my mojo for writing has disrupted. So, I guess I’ll just share these 6 lessons I learned this year, for now.

keep calm, and continue to rock on the next year!

Now that I have written what I learned this year, it made me realize that sometimes you may not have achieved something in terms of success.. that makes you feel accomplished for that year. But you may have gained life lessons that are equally valuable as a part of you growing up.

On a side note, I am thinking of listing the things I would like to do before I turn 25 in a few months! Maybe a #25thingsbefore25 list?

Love,
AA.

Towards a healthy lifestyle

Hi, so I was inspired to talk about my weight loss journey, when a few of my colleagues who have not known me back during my chubbier days, commented on how easy it was for me since I am slim, not having the need to worry about getting fat. Whenever I told them, I gain weight easily, and how I used to be fat… no one seem to believe me. Trust me, unfortunately, I am not one of those people who could eat without worrying about gaining weight. Not blessed with that kind of metabolism. I guess, I have to confess, I always have this constant fear of gaining back and returning to my past weight.

A lot of people whom have known me before I slimmed down, would ask me what I did, how did I lose weight? This blog post will not be your typical ‘how I lost weight’ blog post, but really just sharing my journey and my feelings on the whole process, well simplified version since I am too lazy to write. 

I was not obese, however I was overweight. At my heaviest point, I was 70kg or maybe more? Maybe 75kg? Never have I thought that I would become big sized. I was a fairly normal sized kid when I was younger, a little to the underweight side. When I was 15, I started to weigh more. I guess I was one those girls that had an early growth spurt, so at the age of 17, I was already not growing horizontally, but started growing vertically. I lived with my grandmother, and not blaming her for the reason I was starting to get fat, but living with your grandmother meant good food. It also meant, I was frequently fed, and if I don’t feed myself with the food she made, she will get upset. This was a problem, since I was on my holidays after college and before I flew to the States to continue my degree. At this time, I already saw that I was getting chubbier. Not too bad, I think I was around 60kgs? 62kg maybe? But the jump from being only 52kgs (yes, I am heavy-boned/athletic, so at my slimmer state, I am still not ‘asian’ light), to 62kg was quite rapid! 

It got worst when I went to the states. I never thought I could actually become fat. It never came across me. I thought, yea I could be chubby, but I will never become overweight. I’m still 17, I should still be growing right? However, chocolates… cheese.. and a very unhealthy lifestyle hit me. I drank flavored latte with cream and bagels everyday for breakfast, cheese pizza or anything cheap but halal will mean cheese anything for lunch and dinner. I grew, to a size I have never imagine I could become. 75kg!!! 

More than the figures on the scale, more than the clothes I couldn’t fit, at one point.. I just hated how I felt sooo much. I was constantly lethargic, I was lazy, constantly hungry, constantly craving for sweets, I didn’t even like to walk. I hated looking at myself at the mirror. I hated looking at the fats that was once not there. In my head, everytime I had to go and bathe, I will look at my fats, wishing I could just go for liposuction, or take a knife and slice my fats away. It was bad. 

At this time, I had tried SOOOO many ways to lose weight. I tried so many types of diet. Danish? Atkins? you name it. I tried starving myself, only to eat double the portion after that. Everytime I tried to go on a diet, it would fail. Because, I noticed.. whenever I tried to restrict myself, the bigger my appetite gets! I bought weights, skipping rope, and even a -don’t laugh- sauna exercise suit… I pushed myself to start exercising, with all the ‘exercise schedules’ but ended up not following them, because of the lack of motivation. I would say, there was countless of times where I just failed to stick on a plan, and day by day I got more and more depressed. I just gave up on trying.

After a while, without even trying, I started to lose a little weight. I was back down to 60 something kgs. How did I do it? I never realized what I actually did, until I reflected on it. I used to buy a stash of chocolate whenever we go grocery shopping. Everyday, I used to devour on a few mini bars to reward myself. After reflecting, I noticed that I haven’t been doing so for a while (maybe a few months). That’s when I realized, it was my lifestyle… my true lifestyle that has to be fixed. It could not just be a 2 week crash diet. While figuring what was good for me, what was bad for me.. along the way I had weight gain, and weight loss.. I’m well known for my yo-yo effect. One break I balik Malaysia slim, one break I balik Malaysia berisi. 

It took me a while to discover what works best for me. To be honest, I like how the journey went, I love how this journey made me discover myself. I went through a lot…. to learn about myself, about my body.. and I know that I have a long way to go to figure out and maintain this ‘balanced’ lifestyle. Trust me, by balanced.. I really mean balanced. At one time, I was living such a ‘healthy’ lifestyle, drinking almond milk instead of regular milk, avoiding all my favorite desserts,  eating only greens— like a cow… basically taking the word ‘healthy’ a little too much. I felt pathetic. I felt like vomiting a lot of times, and feel like I hate myself if I go for a cheat meal.

If I were to answer, how did I get where I am now.. and what advise shall I give, it shall be this. Here it goes: 

1. Take time to understand how your body responds to certain types of food, or certain changes in your lifestyle. Once you understand this, you would know better what is best for you. Different people have different ways or methods that work best for them.
2. Deciding to be healthier is for yourself, if your motivation is to impress other people, don’t do it. I remember back then, I used to HATE coming back to Malaysia during raya for one thing. People criticizing about how big I have become. I hated meeting relatives when they commented on that. But anyways, people can be very judgmental, in whatever you do. So no matter what you do, do it for you. If your motivation is to look more ‘beautiful’, in my point of view.. don’t do it either. The point of losing weight, is not to make you more beautiful, you already are no matter what size. This is a matter of changing your lifestyle, to become healthier. To make you feel happier, light and more efficient. 
3. As for me, I noticed that eating rice makes me feel a lot heavier. So that is why I try to avoid taking rice as much as possible, because it makes me feel heavy. It wasn’t a problem for me to cut rice, because I was never too fond of it. My source of carb, is bread! I loooove bread. So people usually criticize my food choices, saying ‘tak makan nasi tapi makan roti, what’s the point of dieting’. Well, I’m not on a diet, but yea.. I avoid rice because I know, it doesn’t work for me. I try to keep my bread choices healthy by eating wholemeal, but that doesn’t mean I don’t eat white bread at all. I eat more vegetables, and protein compared to carbs… but I don’t cut carbs at all. On days I feel like eating unhealthy, I minimize my food intake, and try to portion control. Hence, I eat whatever I like. So it’s either I eat healthy, or I portion control… but I never skip meals, nor do I deprive myself from eating things I love. I think it is most important to enjoy what you eat. The more I restrict myself, the more I would tend to splurge on eating more or eating unhealthy,
4. Exercise. Moving my butt really makes a change in how my body feels. Whenever I exercise, I notice how I become more positive and my body feels lighter. It boosts my mood, and makes my body feels better. Choose an exercise that you love doing, and change it up regularly so you don’t lose the momentum! I started exercising back in the States, when the BRIC (Bronco Recreation Centre) opened up. They had free zumba, kickboxing, TRX, etc classes. I started to go to those classes almost everyday while I was writing my thesis, since I had not much lab activities anymore. To snap myself out from being a couch potato, or a thesis writing potato, I brought myself to do these classes everyday. It helped me to lose a decent amount of weight (I was finally less than 60kgs —> 56 kgs!) before finally returning to Malaysia for good last year. At this time, I met Katrina.. that invited me into an accountability group. That helped in making me learn about heathy living, that was a foundation to a healthier lifestyle when I finally came back. 
5. Coming back, with all the foundations I had.. knowing what to do.. I started to lose more weight, and finally broke out of that plateau phase. I am now much more healthy, I love walking… I try my best to exercise whenever I can, it varies from zumba, to running at the gym to weight training using my own body weight. I also now know what food decisions is best for me (although I am also always not choosing the right choices, being in Malaysia— its hard to eat clean). I now am 51kgs, not your asian skinny, but I will like to maintain and stay healthy! NO YO-YO’s!

This whole journey made me learn a few things. I am able to challenge myself beyond what I think I could not do. I used to hate running, because every time I run, I would feel out of breath, and it hurts. I used to avoid running as much as I can. Now, I think I am more fit, I enjoy running at the gym and I gradually am pushing myself to keep running at a longer distance. I learned to be strong, like literally. I was blessed in my ‘gap months’ before starting work, to have met a really good trainer that built my strength (although, I have lost it.. I used to be able to lift heavy weights), but I learned about my potential capabilities in weight lifting HAHA.  I also learned not to be too hard on myself. If I lose track, I just need to start doing it again. Changing your lifestyle is a big commitment after all, slowly change it so it would be something consistent. It taught me to be patient and hardworking. Results don’t come out if I were impatient, nor if I do not do something towards getting there. It was a slow journey, a long one, and it is still on going.. but always celebrate the small achievements throughout! YOSHHHH, you can do it! 

So yea, I hope this would help you or inspire you somehow or rather. Remember, a healthy mind comes from a healthy body (العَقْلُ السَّلِيْمُ فيِ الجِسِْم السَّلِيْمِ). Stay healthy guys! :D

Love,
AA.

Bully.

I first posted on my story about bully on Instagram a few years back. It was when I started to first talk about how I came to build my self-confidence, as a motivation for women empowerment. I am going to talk about it again, but today I am going to touch base about the topic of bully, that is really becoming a huge issue these days. This is not a post to gain pity, nor is it a post to boast. Instead it is a post to raise awareness of the topic of ‘psychological’ bully and empowerment.

So today I decided to dig a bit deeper on the issue of bullying. Kids can be the meanest with their peers, you might think it is an innocent ‘oh budak, diorang tak faham lagi (oh kids, they still don’t understand)’. Yes, I am not denying this is true, the kids that are bullying at a young age are immature, and could not comprehend how their actions could affect the person being bullied. However, it is our responsibility as adults to tell them or to advise them that it is not ‘fun’ to do so, Don’t just leave them doing what they’re doing just because they are ‘kids’ because no matter what it is still affecting the kid being bullied.

I’ll start with a few stories of mine, something simple that I could relate with. Back when I was four/five, I used to live in London. I had a great time going to school over there. I started attending playschool and year one over there. I remember how I used to love school; it was a lot of fun! We had excursions to the park for art class, and we could draw anything we want according to our imagination. We also had a reading corner where the books were placed according to its difficulty level. I really enjoyed reading time (especially since I was often praised for being the only one able to read the hardest level at that age – eceh, zaman dulu je lah aku advanced). Coming back to Malaysia, I had a hard time adjusting. I had a little bit of a culture shock coming to school, dah lah ‘bajet mat salleh tak reti cakap melayu’. My English was also very British; I had a hard time communicating with my friends.

I had to return back to kindergarten, where I had nice friends (well I had no friends, but at least I wasn’t bullied), but I got bored because they were learning numbers and alphabets when I was already forced by Grandma to memorize my multiplication table up to 12 (okay, this is not meant to boast, it was just what it was... I must say though past Amalia was pretty amazing). So my parents had to find a school for me where I could start early.

We came across a private school (always felt guilty for my parents who had to take loans just to send me off to school) where they place you according to your ability. So I had to take an assessment and they placed me to primary one, so I started school early. At this school is when I was first exposed to bullying. Don’t get me wrong; there was nothing wrong with the school. Everywhere you go pon, sama je… Kids can be mean.

As I said earlier, I had culture shock, but it was even worse when I started my primary school. People were speaking Malay, which I understood but could not communicate well with, they were making fun of my British accent, I was left out because I could not fit in, and I remember how no one brought a drawing block for art class and since my mom wanted me to be happy to go to school, she bought me one and I had to give the paper to the whole class, I got scolded because I finished it up too fast. I had bladder issues and I usually accidentally pee. I wonder if it is all anxiety? But I remember hating to go to school, and would cry every morning and made my mom go to work late. I never told my parents I was bullied, they never knew I had a hard time adjusting. I thought if I complained, they would just think I am making up excuses, me being the drama queen I am. Truth is the reason why I did not want to go to school was because I JUST HATED SCHOOL. I was that one kid that did not belong.

That issue went by, because if y’all know me… I can adapt to changes pretty easily. So I clicked with everybody by the second half of the semester (I think), I had friends. I lost my British accent (unfortunately) so I could fit in, but hey… when in Rome, do as the Romans do.  I guess that was the first thing I learned, adjusting to the change, but still stay true to yourself because I had the confidence that I was fun being me, I just needed to change the way I spoke.  As time passed by, another set of ‘bullies’ came to my life, this is at adolescent age, when as a girl you start being conscious of your looks. I think I was about 9 (Okay, I mature early.. my 9 equals to 12 years old in normal dictionary). I also look like so, not only would a random passerby get confused of my age, even those who are close do (I’m always expected to be 3 years older than my age – I’ll talk about this later), I don’t blame them… I have always looked old aka ‘matured’.

I never realized before this if I looked pretty or if I looked ugly, never really cared. I was oblivious of any beauty standards. Everybody loved me for who I am, so never thought it was a problem. Only until this point I realized, how I looked didn’t fit in the normal standard (again this is based on my feelings at that time).  I just realized that when I look at people my right eye would sway away, my teeth was too far apart and they did not close properly, my lips were joined and I have an igloo on my tongue (I still think it’s pretty cool). I started to realize this when my seniors that take the same van back from school use to tease me. The one thing that I remember most was the day when I presented for a storytelling competition, when I went back, I remember being cursed ‘why would you go up the stage, you’re ugly F*CK off’. Like literally, at that time I guess saying ‘F*ck’ was like the coolest thing ever to do. Like these days saying F*ck is like, meh... nothing. It doesn’t mean anything. But at that time, it was like a HUGE insult. That’s when I first ‘realized’ I was ‘ugly’. Since then, I, the one who loves performing, hated even looking at people when I talk. I was always conscious. I was blessed with great family and friends throughout the years that never made me realize I was lacking. Since then (up to the next phase), whenever I meet someone new, every time I have a one to one conversation, I’ll start looking somewhere else. Okaylah, to be honest this is the only thing I have yet to overcome fully. I still look somewhere else if I am uncomfortable, but I could at least look at a person for more than 5 minutes, or until I see signs that the person doesn’t know where to look at me in the eye. One thing I was lucky for at this period of time, was because my cousin aka my childhood bestfriend was attending the same school with me. We were different classes, but knowing that I have a friend to accompany me after school and on the van, really relieved me. Thank you ah, my fellow INFJ buddy. 

Secondary School took place, I overcame the past scars (at least I moved on) and also had my teeth fixed with retainers, so one less of an issue. Now comes another set of bullies in my life, bullies that played with the ‘cinta monyet (monkey love) phase’.  HAHAHA!!! Okay, this might be more of an embarrassing and more personal set of stories, so you might want to skip my secondary school story if you are uncomfortable.

Ahhh… Secondary school, its when we realize we have a crush on someone (or plural). Yes, one-sided mostly for me, wahahaha. At this time, I kind of understood it would be one-sided, guys will usually have a crush on the pretty ones, plus I’m known to be the mediator, or you could call me ‘the wing(wo)man'. Secrets were all in my hand, but I had my fair share of stories (umm... Mama and Abah, if you’re reading this, I’m old enough to disclose my silly crush stories right? BAHAHA). Okay, coming back to the topic of bully, the bullies that came to my life cannot make it more obvious to me or make me hurt and destroy my already ‘stable’ self-confidence. I think these set of bullies crushed me the most. I guess it crushed me the most because it was one of the most crucial and sensitive growing part of life.

I think it was sometime in Secondary 3 (I was 12, just had my mensus. But like I said, I was like a 15 year old because most of my peers were). One day two seniors of mine came to me and said they told this person X that I had a crush on him (which I don’t, super embarrassing). But the response was even worst, they told me how disgusted the guy was when he knew about it and laughed so badly at me. Dahlah I was wrongly accused, cakap pulak macam tu. It doesn’t help that I already know no one had a crush on me (again… the thought at that time), you had to break every wall of self confidence that I have rebuilt again? I was so crushed, to the core. I didn’t dare to look at the guy again, nor do I have the ‘guts’ to ‘confess’ my cinta monyet to anyone. HAHAHAHA.

Secondary 5 happened, I was no longer bullied; I was part of the ‘popular’ group and someone came to like me for who I am. I basked on that happiness, alah budak-budak remaja. I wasn’t even 17, I was 14 at that time wahahaha. This time my role was reversed, I became the nappeun yeolja (the mean woman, to put it nicely). I did not bully, because I know it was wrong. But I was part of a group that isolated people that ‘don’t belong’.  I was mean, and I apologize for isolating certain people at that time – including my lifelong bestfriend. I guess it was just over my head that I was cool. We were literally like the mean girls from the movie mean girls - like you can't sit with us (versi baik sikit, we’re actually nice people *cough* – it just got to our head. My 2 girlfriends are people that you all love now), and my realization was like when Cady Heron returned back to becoming a mathelete. So I insaf, and got to college andddd… that's another story. Point is at Secondary 5, I was in the shoes of the bully. I felt so horrible. I am appalled by my own self. Temporary popularity and fun, but guilt came after.

The story has gotten too long, so I’ll stop here. But the point of me exposing these stories is not to tell the biography of my life (like who am I lah to cerita story of my life). But it is because I am blessed with these experiences that I had as a child that made me become who I am today. These stories could help me relate further to those people that might be in the same shoes. I feel that there is a need to share so that parents can maybe relate to their children, kids could maybe feel better about them, knowing that these experiences would make them become stronger! I hope that by sharing this, this will somehow help someone in his or her life. Don’t get me wrong, my school life wasn’t that bad; to be honest it was not bad at all. I had so many pleasant and good memories, and I did so much in both primary and high school that these negative things became just small memories hidden in the corner of my brain and heart. But, this also tells you that these small memories were so unpleasant to me that I remembered every single detail.

I know what I have gone through is nothing like those bully cases that happened recently, and in a way I am blessed to be a female. No physical form of bully was attempted. But, words… words can be the sharpest blade of all. Psychological bully can be really dangerous. Kids at a young age are very fragile and get affected easily, and it leaves a deep scar on them. It lowers down their self-esteem and self worth, and sometimes people are unlucky enough that they are still affected by it till they get older. Some get depression; some might still be fighting to overcome certain phobias that were developed from the scars that they have been through.

Whatever it is, if you are being bullied right now, and it hurts. It hurts so much. Be strong!! Never lose hope. Please tell your parents or someone about it, do not keep it to yourself. If you think there is no one out there who will listen to you, just tell someone till you find one. Tell whomever you trust. It helps you lower your sadness in the heart.

With the current rising standard of beauty, never feel like you are not worth it. Every part of you is beautiful. I know this might be cliché, but trust me. If someone likes you for who you are, that is more worth it then any kind of ‘crush’ because you’re beautiful. If people like you for your kind heart and personality, it is more beautiful than people liking you for your face. I truly believe and hold on to the principle that being beautiful inside is what matters! Beauty is not just what comes to the eye, but that self-confidence that you portray is what reflects your beauty. Its accepting your flaws and appreciating what you have is what beauty is all about. Be confident, people can only love you when you love yourself. Be kind, be respectful, never bully other people because it’s ‘fun’. It would not be fun if you are in his or her shoes wouldn’t it?

Love,
AA.