It's a common thing for me to actually spend time to reflect on my year and plan what I have to do, or how I can improve the following year, and I usually do that with my best friend. We would take the time off to actually just focus on this. However to be honest, this year I do not have the time to do so. The time to sit down and relax and think about what's best for me, to reflect. Life has been either hectic or too tiring to think about the future and the past, I was just living in the present. Just trying to get things done. So I decided this year to write instead, this way whenever I have time I can track back my thoughts and delve into it bit by bit.
I thought about sharing, maybe somehow it will be beneficial for someone. Maybe it will be beneficial for myself, as a mode of making things concrete, or maybe you could also let me know how you feel about this! Comments, and motivations are most welcome.
Things
to think about right now:
Wrapping up 2019, think about what you have
done.
1) What have you achieved (list 5)/ What are the things that you have learned to appreciate about/lessons that you have learned in this year.
2) what have you wished you could
improve on; Your current problem/issue, What is your action plan for it. How do you want to tackle all this, improving the situation.
3) going forward to 2020 what are the things you want to work on or achieve.
1) What have you achieved (list 5)/ What are the things that you have learned to appreciate about/lessons that you have learned in this year.
- I got TOPIK4 despite thinking that I might not be able to do well for my Korean test. Language has always been something that was hard for me to learn (back in school I would think maths was an easier subject compared to language, or maybe I never had joy in learning languages). Although it was not my forte I studied hard for it and was able to overcome the barrier. Although it was a slow process, I did it in my own pace.
- 2019 I learned how important it is to self-love. It is important to take care of myself first, my mental health, my feelings, my physical health, etc before you care for others. I learned to make myself priority. Not being selfish, but learned to love myself more… and know when the limit of being nice goes to. As negative as it may sound, sometimes people appreciate you more when they see your boundaries. You also don’t get being pushed around too much.
- I actually got to settle adult things alone, in a different language as well! It was complicated but I was able to do it. I actually dealt with Korean speaking realtors with no help, went to do bank and settled all the contract alone, and the fact that I found a really decent home… is something I am always thankful and happy with. Alhamdulillah.
- Despite having a problem with a supervisor that ran away, and had a hard time trying to find a new lab (because if you don’t they will cancel your scholarship), had zero help from the university side, went mad trying to find a new one and make a different proposal, things worked out (though after that it is a different story).
- Starting my PhD, even if it was a really tough, tough semester. Everything seemed like going down the hole. Not being able to understand things in class at all. Not being able to adjust to the lab at all. My grades were still good, Alhamdulillah with my parents do’a. I don’t think it would have worked, but still. It’s something I should be grateful (and deserve a pat on the back for).
- In another aspect of life, I was courageous and brave to take a step this year. I went out of the boundaries or the ‘comfort zone’ and met new people from different cultures and religion. Learned a lot, also got to know where my limits are, and that I was strong to protect my values. Also got to learn that I was also cantik dan menarik dalam mata kaum yang lain. In that sense I felt more confident of myself and my strength as a muslim woman.
2) what have you wished you could improve on; Your current problem/issue, What is your action plan for it. How do you want to tackle all this, improving the situation.
I think I had a really hard time trying to
adjust myself to the environment. I was not sure what was okay and what was not
okay, and in the end I became too reserved instead. Becoming too reserved is a
problem. I was told not to ask questions, to go through several layers of hierarchy.
Because of that I was not sure whether or not I am able to freely do what I
want to do. I felt restricted. Mostly because I was told or felt to be so.
However, when I restricted myself, people told me I was being lazy instead of
being proactive. It got confusing.
I started to become a very negative person
instead. The person I used to be somehow was no longer there. I can’t help but
just be quiet, I didn’t know how to communicate, my brightness shunned and I am
no longer the positive bubbly person I thought I used to be. Everyday seems
tiring and I couldn’t explain how everyday seems to be like a torture. I used
to take things in a positive aspect, but everything these days seems like a
twist. I didn’t recognize anymore who I have become and hate the person I am
today. For being this way. For having such negative energy.
What made me much madder is the fact that
when I actually started talking to people personally, I started to think that
maybe this is all in my head. Maybe this is my perception of things, of what I
am getting or what I am feeling. However, it is not exactly what it is, and how
I react to how they react makes it harder for both parties to know or to be
closer to.
How am I going to fix this? I have to think
longer, and further, whether I want to stay and fight this war or whether I
want to end this war and begin another war. 2020 will be the year of fixing
what is broken.
If I want to stay, I definitely have to go
out of being ‘reserved’ and start being myself. Push forward. Talk to prof,
whenever you have a question or idea. Do not listen to people saying things
like ‘this is proper for our culture’ and push your differences forward,
instead of trying to assimilate. Learn the language more, focus on what is
important. Do what you want to do.
If I want to leave, start searching for
what you want to do, what you have to do. It takes a long time for me to
actually quit, so I have to be mentally prepared for the battle and challenges that I will have to face ahead. Somewhat,somehow, it is not an exit route but a de-tour that might be as challenging or more challenging than it is, whatever it is it better be worth it.
3) Going forward to 2020 what are the things you want to work on or achieve.
Things are still not clear to me right now, but what I do want to achieve is inner peace. Making peace with my decisions, what I am doing, even if life is challenging. I want to focus on fixing that mental instability that I currently am dealing with and strengthen my spirituality level. I want to find my path again. (INCLUDING THE PATH TO LOSE WEIGHT I HAVE STRESS EAT SO MUCH I GAINED 4-5KG!!! I used to be 47-48kg ㅜㅜ)
2019, thank you. You have thought me how I have beautiful hearts and soul behind me.
I was also blessed to meet this cutey patootey on the day earth was blessed to invite him <3
I was also blessed to meet this cutey patootey on the day earth was blessed to invite him <3
2020, may seem like a giant hurdle, but I pray that this hurdle will bring me to a better place.
Thank you family and friends for the support and love. I pray that God blesses all of you.
Have a beautiful year ahead <3
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