Okay, so I know I have been saying that this blog would be
more focused on my work (i.e. science) and maybe occasional writings on current
issues. But I had the urge to write something more insightful of the current
feelings I have regarding what I want to do in life. Or rather, what I want to
achieve now.
Now that I am turning 24 this year (still 23), the need of
wanting to do more than what I’m doing is growing. Especially now that I am
turning 24 soon (very soon), I suddenly had a nudge on my head telling me maybe
it’s time to adult and not give excuses like ‘give yourself a break, you were
forced to mature so fast, maybe being unable to continue with your studies is
somewhat a break for yourself to take things slow. To finally be able to catch
a breath and do what other kids your age do. Unlike all these years that you
were forced to think three years ahead of what you are’. Honestly, it’s such a
lame excuse now, now that I am a full-grown adult. That nudge just made me
realize how much change I want in my life right now. I feel the need to go out
and make new experiences. I feel the need to get a second income; from doing
something I would enjoy doing. I feel the need to get back to the society in
any way I could. I want to make a difference. I want change. I need new air. I
want to breakout from routine. I want to fall in love. I want to DO SOMETHING!
To be honest, I want to do all these things but I feel
limited. I somehow feel like I couldn’t do these things. Living with family, I
have a commitment to spend time with my parents and my family (which I love doing), running errands
in the weekends, coming back from work already lazy and tired, sometimes having
to cook and by night I just want to cuddle up in bed and watch an episode (or
two) of Suits, K-variety show or some Asian drama I’m currently watching. I
just feel like I don’t have the time. On top of that, I don’t have transport
(i.e. a car), and having only public transportation and Grab as an option, I
feel like I am restricted to the places I would like to go (i.e. hard to go for
volunteer work and move here and there). But I know I am making up excuses. There are a lot of people who have so much more responsibilities (i.e. children, business, legacy) and would sacrifice their 'tv showtime' to actually do things. But then, there is such a thing called work-life balance, and here I am using that excuse to Netflix and chill (like literally).
And if it were something that I would like to do, I would have done it anyway. I don’t know really.
The same goes to work; I feel like
giving up with trying to continue my PhD. Fighting for my scholarship to get
there. I feel stuck at work unable to do anything in my position because I am
stuck with the situation of me being unable to continue my PhD. Sometimes I
feel so down because I feel like I don’t have that sense of accomplishment from
doing a great job because I am stuck at not being able to do anything (don’t
get me wrong, I do work at work… just not what would make me feel like an
accomplishment). Maybe I
think I have done something, to make things better. But maybe I am making
excuses, and what I have been doing is not enough to fix this situation.
I know I don’t make sense. My words and my thoughts just
tend to jumble up; it’s really hard for me to explain (okay, actually I think
I’m pretty bad at explaining, but pretty good at listening that’s why I could
be pretty good at guessing words when playing ‘taboo’ but fail miserably at
explaining the word). I understand if it doesn’t make sense, but if it does…
you might just be one complicated fella as well. Heheh, just kidding!
So now, instead of making excuses, turning 24 would mean I
would want to make the best out of the situation and DO. Take charge. I have to
find alternatives to how I would like to achieve what I want to do with the
resources I have, and with my given capabilities.
At 24, I would want to continue my PhD at my dream school
(InsyaAllah – this, at any age, as long as I can get the funds; 2 years and
still waiting), do better at work (now that I know I have a low chance of
continuing any time soon, I can FINALLY FOCUS and try to make do of what I am able to
contribute at this time, no more ‘I am leaving soon’ as an excuse, I can also
consult my boss about this), second income (working on it, might be able to
start a project soon with fudster) where from this fuds and I will get to learn
new skills and also HOPEFULLY in the end will get to contribute back to the
society, even if it’s impact is small.
With that, all of you are my witnesses for this ‘resolution’
I have. The more the audience, the more pressure I have to make things happen.
If you have any suggestions whatsoever, words of support, advices or stories that I could relate with... feel free to drop me a comment! It is much appreciated <3
Love,
23 year old AA.
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