2017, look what you made me do.

I know that there are still a couple of days till the end of the year, but it is still the end of the year, so I thought maybe it’s totally fine to start writing on my reflection of the year. The funny thing about this year is that I realized how completely opposite I felt at the end of last year compared to this year.

My close friends can attest to the fact that as much as I may look chill most of the time (ye ke?), I am a very anxious person. I get anxiety even after taking a long week of break from work (or taking the airplane HAHAHA). The night before, I would keep on worrying about what had happened or how will I be able to get through the day, the week, etc. which to calm myself down, I will start to make a ‘to-do list’ in the morning and try to get things done one thing at a time. So at the end of last year, I was sitting with Fatimah, telling her how anxious I felt about the upcoming year. I talked about what I wanted to do, what I wanted to achieve.. and reflected upon the past year, feeling rather unaccomplished.. but still positive at the same time, since I tried my very best… only circumstances was not on my side.

This year, I felt like a completely different person though. Anxiety? What is anxiety? To be honest, I really don’t even feel like anything. This sentiment scares me because I feel, indifferent. I don’t even feel like there is a need to reflect on my year, what more thinking of resolutions for the next? I am scared because I am feeling this way. I am scared because I know I can’t give up, but I feel like I am just so done. So done, that whenever there is another rejection, another form of failure, what may break me down and burst into tears, no longer affected me. It just feels like any other day, and what scares me is that, because of my ‘feelingless’ feeling (if that even makes sense), as much as I know I can’t give up and I must press on, I do not have the motivation to fight. 

Now, the reason I don’t want to confide to people about this feeling of mine or to tell how I feel, is because I purely know that I should not give up... and the last thing I would like to hear from someone is that ‘maybe you have not done enough’, ‘you should try harder’, ‘don’t give up, you can do this’. No. Just no.

So today, I brought myself to reflect on what I have learned this year, so I could at least put sense back to myself, not trying to run away from reality and so that I could stay sane.. and positive. I am sharing this, not for self pity or whatever, no. I’m just sharing this in case that there are people like me, feeling the same way, and would be able to relate with how I feel, and maybe will help with how they might feel.

What have I learned in the year 2017?

1. Trust in what you believe you can do, don’t let anyone bring you down for not really knowing or believing in your potential, even if it is someone you aspire to become. This year, I was so happy to meet someone that was my aspiration, that has inspired me and instilled that motivation again to me. However, that particular person said things that made me lose hope, question my abilities, and made me feel so upset not because of the ‘rejection’ he/she gave, but when you expect motivation from someone you look up to, but get something otherwise, you question yourself why did you even aspire to be someone like that?
2. Even if your current circumstances is not letting you do what you want to do. Or not letting you achieve what you should be able to achieve. Don’t forget to trust and continuously believe in yourself. Yes, you can’t be too overconfident, thinking that you are special and unique. But, don’t let such circumstances bring you down, and continuously find a way to recharge and regain your beliefs.. so that given the opportunity, you will be able to prove yourself.. and when you get the opportunity, do the best.
3. When I was 22, I used to dream. Dream so hard, so lavishly, thinking of all the things that I have planned, will come my way, despite going through hardship and challenges. This year, I learned, things may not go your way, however hard you tried, but take it all as learning experience. There’s always a reason for something to happen, so even if your plans don’t work out.. even if it is not for the better, there must be a reason behind why we have to go through such hardships. Maybe to meet certain people, maybe to make you grow, maybe to instill some motivation in you. I think this year, going to the Khazanah interview for my scholarship was a blessing despite failing. Meeting with inspiring young people and becoming friends with them made me remember the environment I was in, in the States. 
4. Try to find someone you can talk and relate to, about work, about life, with no judgements. If you tend to just bottle up your excitement towards a certain scientific research for example, or your frustration towards life, you will just end up being a grumpy sourpuss that has no motivation (i.e. me). Also, finding someone you can talk to in your line of work, might be a good way to boost your knowledge (which I think I am lacking, find me someone to talk to please).
5. Sometimes you may want to do something else because you feel like you are in a standstill, however when you want to move away from your comfort zone, there is also a huge responsibility that you have to weigh in to make a decision. Some might say, be reckless, you’re still young. But at 24, I have so much to consider before making the move. Don’t be reckless, think it through on what matters the most to you. You have to remember, that life is not just about chasing success in your career.
6. I have been scammed this year, as embarrassing as it may be to tell you. I am absolutely embarrassed to admit so, but I am telling you that even a skeptical person like me, that never thought could be a victim of being scammed, can be. It can happen to anyone. So be careful. Sometimes you can be skeptical about the situation or the offer, thinking that it is too good to be true, but with the surrounding circumstances you are brought to believe in doing so. So don't ever judge a person for being too vulnerable to be scammed, scammers these days are too good, just be careful. I didn't lose that much, but then again.. for someone who just started working and barely has money, even rm10 is precious. Well really, at one point, even the coins in my pouch means a lot to me, because I get to buy one cup of Nescafe Tarik with it.

I think there are several more, but my mojo for writing has disrupted. So, I guess I’ll just share these 6 lessons I learned this year, for now.

keep calm, and continue to rock on the next year!

Now that I have written what I learned this year, it made me realize that sometimes you may not have achieved something in terms of success.. that makes you feel accomplished for that year. But you may have gained life lessons that are equally valuable as a part of you growing up.

On a side note, I am thinking of listing the things I would like to do before I turn 25 in a few months! Maybe a #25thingsbefore25 list?

Love,
AA.